Freitag, 4. Juni 2010

DC universe: The Ultimate crisis

The Red alerts are blaring in a hideous wail.

You can almost hear the cries of pain and feel the agonies of the harried readers. They are being tortured by forced reading of Grant Morrison's Final Crisis series. The feeling of cosmic despair grips them in its icy claws as cliche after cliche of idiotic psuedoscientific non-sense is blurted about about parallel universes and FTL travel and Miracle machines. You know the end of the worlds of Earth-0 to Earth-52 (Yes, its that bad :(.... there are only 52 of them parallel universes) is near unless some heroic comic book writer (read Mark Millar) decides to save the situation and rescue those Greatest Heroes of them all.

Amid this chaos spawned from stupidity and ignorance, there is birthed a single question:

Is this the legacy DC leaving behind for Superman and Batman?

For those unawares (the vast vast unending majority and soon to become monopoly i.e.) Final crisis is the saga of "How (supposedly) evil won" (!!!) and basically "How Batman died (duh)".

If you read comic books at all, first let me welcome you the club: The club of endangered comic book reading, graphic art loving species. Further if you are not the pimple ridden, Fat spouting, greasy or thick spectacled variety, then accept my condolences: You are almost extinct.

At such an hour where the end of the end of comic books has finally begun, what message should the comic book authors leave behind for the generations of the comic book tomb-raiders and archeo-comicists to come? I hope it will not be the one saying that we perished among heaps and heaps of series of never ending crises (Infinite crisis, Crisis of infinite earths, Final crisis and so on and so forth) that refused to end piling BS upon BS until the author ran out of laxatives. The days of good old One shots or trilogies or tetralogies are gone. Now we have to read over 70 comic books just to understand there is a coherent storyline going on. This though in no way excusable, is only aggravated by the fact that every 10 books later some or other thing is Retconed, making a hash out of the entire continuity.

DC has been cursed with the influence of two Idiots spawned of a demonic taint who love maniacally dancing around the point without never ever touching it, named Grant Morrison and Alan Moore. For some unexplainable reason they are top two comic-book writers today. Their loathsome mediation has given us craps like: The killing Joke, The Invisibles, The league of Extraordinary Gentleman and Morrison's Final Crisis which is the center of criticism here. If you have read any of them you will know that only doped and cracked people would read/write such stuff which as it happens is not far from the truth.

I can go on and on ranting about this horrible nonsense but lets be civilized (henceforth) and write down in points what we want from DC:

1. One shots and miniseries for cross-overs please. Don't stretch the comic to the breaking point of reader's patience.

2. No COMIC BOOK DEATHS!!!! EVEN IN COMIC BOOKS! Behold in awe the glory of ultimate Marvel for role models. Villains who die stay dead!

3. Reduce the number of heroes! Please! The super-powered population of the DC universe easily outnumbers the non-powered ones...they breed faster than Australian rabbits...

4. No rampant Green, Red, Yellow, Blue and Whatever colored Kryptonite lying around. Superman IS the greatest hero ever known. but every time he gets knocked out in first three panels of a fight! Every street bum seems to have a piece of Kryptonite stashed in his pocket...

5. No crazy vulnerability to magic... Again Superman issue. Any hobo with a card trick can lay him out because of his.. uh.. unique.. weakness.

6. I agree that Comic books are not serious science fictions and we are not all PhD holders in Physics. But that does not mean that the writer can take a complete freedom with our gullibility! Show some respect for Science! Take some effort to read scientific American and not just get high on pot until you have that satanic urge to write!

Please please Kick out Morrison and Moore! Get Millar and Elllis for an exclusive contract if you have too..! We need planetary scale stuff to save Superman now.. :(

All on deaf ears....

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